Red Ribbon Player’s - Talented Musicians or Spawn from Hell?
"When other kids were bobbing for apples at birthday parties we were bobbing for piranha in a hot tub, thus was born the name Red Ribbon for the blood soaked pieces of cloth we bandaged our bleeding faces with."
-The Red Ribbon Players
They have been described as 3 Shaman holding the wisdom from other states of musical consciousness, while others describe them as the 3 Stooges on acid.
Both fans and critics are perplexed by the lack of discoverable history or documentation on this mysterious trio. Three childhood pictures have recently surfaced which are said to be an accurate representation of them but that has still not been verified. These photographs have been posted on every form of media and yet no parents have claimed that these are their children, making some believe that they did away with their parents and all siblings to maintain their secret identities.
The controversy has been further stoked by their cryptic and esoteric answers to any questions directed their way. Recently they were asked to give a favourite quotation that they lived by and their answers made some people believe they are either Satirists or Satanists?
Devin’s favourite quotation:
"The grapes of reason lay rotting on the vines of discontent while ants plot to take over the planet and thus I bring you Hellfire."
Ben’s favourite quotation:
"In the darker moments of antiquity a disco ball can shed light upon the lost and forlorn, if one really cares, though I actually don’t and thus I bring you Hellfire"
Brian’s favourite quotation:
"From chaos we came, like a lightening bolt that shatters a backyard barbecue, leaving everyone aghast at the sight of scorched meat and thus I bring you Hellfire"
Yet no sooner after these quotations were released and fuelled rumours of demonic possession, other rumours surfaced of their kind and angelic deeds. Some say they have seen The Red Ribbon Players helping old ladies across the street, though no one ever sees these old ladies again. They frequently donate to blood banks but it was recently discovered that the blood belonged to other people.
Some of these rumours have taken on mythic proportions.
Some adoring fans believe that within the Red Ribbon ancestry are the discoverers of the wheel, fire, having sex with a clown mask on and how to perform ultimate wedgies.
I have spent a year researching their individual backgrounds and so far this is all I have come up with. Again, I can not verify the accuracy of the following information.
Ben’s History
Ben can knock out a fly’s eye at 50 meters with a well aimed piece of chewing tobacco while pounding out an inspirational drum solo. He carved out his drum sticks with his teeth from the last healthy elm tree that was still standing in the region. Beavers and woodpeckers tell their children of his feats. Ben was previously best known for a high school science project that went horribly wrong. It was recorded that he created a super powerful fridge magnet which sadly ripped the pacemaker out of his teacher’s chest. To this day Ben still grieves over the incident always bemoaning the fact that had his teacher lived he would have certainly received an A instead of being incarcerated for 2 years.
Brian’s History
Some say in a past life he was a demented monk who sublimated his thirst for blood into playing keyboards. When asked why he likes pounding on the ivories, he matter of factly says, “If I wasn’t poundin the ivories I’d be poundin someone’s face.” Of course he says this with a wicked grin which makes it impossible to know whether he is telling the truth or is about to pound my face. Having seen the fear in my eyes he quickly reassured me by changing the subject and asking me if I had ever sacrificed a small animal in honour of the Tuna God.
Devin’s History
He possesses a natural charisma that for some reason has attracted a large fan base of sewage treatment workers and lovers of Spaghetti Westerns. He has a vast collection of salamander tails. It is said that he is a certified psychiatrist and specializes in counselling fish suffering from Hydrophobia. He’s been known to eat his patients while playing guitar. Some say he’s from Ventura California, some say he’s from some unmentionable evil place, some are afraid to say his name out loud. He’s even afraid to say his name out loud when he can remember it.
Be sure to visit the website next month when I explore their musical influences, the amount of fibre in their diets and the meaning of one of their most recent quotes, “Any idiot can tip a cow but can they double flip a cow?”
-Andy Droid
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