biographical info
AK-747s BIO NOTES FOR INTERNET THING
<Insert long-winded paragraphs of pretentious bullshit here>
<Make sure to put a quote from your dad or something that's really prophetic about how you're going to be big in music>
<Name drop all the bands we've played with and done stuff with so people know we're really important>
<Brag about how people like our music, implying that not liking us makes you an outsider to what is currently 'cool'. Make sure to reiterate all the publications people have written about us in so that people know we're 'for real'. Expecially stuff like Pitchfork. If you're not in Pitchfork, you're nobody>
<Note: Get job AT Pitchfork or just start writing stuff and send it to them. Adopt identical attitudes to strategic areas of knowledge and practice while developing meaningful relationships with staff. -->
EXPLOIT RELATIONSHIP!>
<Refer to our own work as 'epic', as we cannot rely on people to judge for themselves what they should like and should not like. Remember, enjoying our music is not an 'option' for people, it is a mandated lifestyle choice to gain wider social acceptance>
<Side note: More gang signs and appropriation of biker imagery on merch. This is critical. Also, attempt to fuse hip-hop culture, heavy metal aesthetic, and vintage rock vibe while making reference to obsolete video game systems. Purchase more clothing>
<Squeeze something in about how one of our parents is from a major world city. This will make people respect us more, even though the lead singer is from Edmonton, wherever the fuck that is>
<ALWAYS refer to ourselves in the third person. This way it will come across with a tone of authority so brainless teens will lap it up like so much cream for the kitty>
<Take group shots where we look really, really serious/disinterested or leaping in the air. Make sure to do something 'edgy' like have someone dress up as a bunny and sit next to us and throw some sepia tone on it. That shit is fresh. Note to photographer: MORE lens flare, not less>
<Get around to actually writing this thing. Burn notes and draft. If anyone reads these notes, we're totally screwed>