The teenage world is full of bullies. And for a gal from a small town with the last name Gay, I know that no one leaves school unscathed. In those years I often thought, “If a talented, short gent named Skipper from Minneapolis could survive his teenage years and find international fame, so can I!” (OK, so maybe, at the time, I thought making the basketball team was just like international fame.)
Skipper, by the way, is not just the name of Barbie’s young friend (who I would sometimes put into bed with Ken. What?). No, Skipper was also the nickname of one musician, formerly known as a symbol, also known as Prince.
When I was a teenager, Prince was not only extraordinarily talented and wildly popular, but synonymous with sex. Sex! What young girl didn’t want to make out with their pillow to “Erotic City”? My babysitter had Prince’s Purple Rain poster on her closet ceiling for a reason, I’m sure. Controversy not only followed Prince wherever he went, but it was also a hit song. And he rode a motorcycle. While wearing a ruffled shirt. And boots (that you and him could share!). What a dream.
Surely I couldn’t have been the only one who continued to rewind and re-watch the scene in Pretty Woman in which a bath-having Julia Roberts sings along to “Kiss” on her Walkman. Thousands of people must have also ordered the hits and b-sides triple album from Columbia House. And, although Prince was busy hating technology and rediscovering religion in the 2000s, I’m sure his lyrics are somewhere in the hippocampus of then-teenaged brains around the world. Those now-adult, single people’s brains might not know why they are so attracted to you after you text something like, “Every time I comb my hair/ thoughts of you get in my eyes.”
In this new world of technology, it seems that people are more likely to send a photo of their genitals than try to create some nice, filthy wordplay. So, people of the world, I may or may not have spent a collective six hours on an airplane compiling this handy list of Prince lyrics for you to use as pickup lines. Try one out. Test my (untested) theory. In the end, my hypothesis could be wrong. Maybe a photo of one’s nether regions is better than a reference to “Sexy MF.” You won’t know unless you try.
And let’s remember, a great sense of humour is a desired quality, and there is no easier way to prove that than by quoting “U sho'nuf do be cookin' in my book.”
A handy list of Prince lyrics as pickup lines
When you want to say: You’re really attractive, we should hook up immediately.
Try: “Your face is jammin'/ your body's heck-a-slammin'/ if your love is good/ let's get 2 rammin' (now).”
When you want to say: I’m great with metaphors!
Try: “Move over baby/ gimme the keys/ I'm gonna try 2 tame your little red love machine.”
When you want to say: I think you are attractive and so smart.
Try: “In a word or 2 – it's u I wanna do/ no not cha body, yo mind u fool.”
When you want to say: You’re adorable, and kind of gross.
Try: “You’re so fine/ you’re filthy cute and baby you know it.”
When you want to say: Let’s make out.
Try: “I just want your extra time and your kiss.”
When you want to say: I’m trying to pressure you into sleeping with me.
Try: “I didn't wanna pressure U, baby/ but all I ever wanted 2 do/ I wanna be your lover.”
When you want to say: I’m trying to get with you by trying to pretend I’m your friend.
Try: “If I was your girlfriend/ would you let me dress you?/ I mean, help you pick out your clothes before we got out?/ Not that you're helpless but sometime/ sometime those are the things that bein' in love's about.”
When you want to say: I have a dirty mind.
Try: “It's hard 4 me 2 say what's right/ when all I wanna do is wrong.”
When you want to say: I have a dirty mind, again.
Try: “There's something about u, baby/ it happens all the time/ whenever I'm around u, baby/ I get a dirty mind.”
When you want to say: Hey, nice butt!
Try: “A body like yours/ oughta be in jail/ 'cuz it's on the verge of bein' obscene.”
When you want to say: I wanna be your lover.
Try: “I wanna be your lover.”
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